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Simulating Life In The Navy - Version 2 |
1. Lock all friends and
family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held
for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that
you don't really know or like: people who ..
smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses
sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to complete-
ly cut yourself off from the outside world.
Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to
keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and
press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look
bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
_
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for .
two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea
until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed.
Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a
good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the
floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell
of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking
table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours.
Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms,
police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held
for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that
you don't really know or like: people who ..
smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses
sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to complete-
ly cut yourself off from the outside world.
Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to
keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and
press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look
bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
_
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for .
two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea
until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed.
Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a
good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the
floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell
of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking
table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours.
Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms,
police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
13. Have week old
fruit and vegetables delivered
to your garage and wait two weeks before eating
them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the
spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove
the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and
run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate
a 'black water system' boo boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it.
Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in
the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything
gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
to your garage and wait two weeks before eating
them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the
spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove
the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and
run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate
a 'black water system' boo boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it.
Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in
the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything
gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your
forehead or shins with a hammer every two days
to simulate
collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days,
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days,
or until it is hard and
stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to
another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best
clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most
expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four
hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the
cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't
speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak
trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95
degrees C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs
it or not.
29. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader
you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip
over anything pertinent.
30. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator.
Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure
checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT
OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to
the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks
because he did not see you perform them.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to
another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best
clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most
expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four
hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the
cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't
speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak
trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95
degrees C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs
it or not.
29. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader
you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip
over anything pertinent.
30. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator.
Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure
checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT
OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to
the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks
because he did not see you perform them.
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